The Lost Ones: January 2010

Onee-chan...

As I watch you drive away down the street an emptyness fills a growing void in my chest. Nothing feels right anymore once you aren't there, like nothing is worth it. Untill the day I see you again, when you come back, like the sun that lights the darkness that started to evolop me.

You know when I'm hurting or when I'm crying, even though your so far away... our bond must be strong...

You're my other half, my conciousness, everything I am not. You're the one that's always there for me when I'm down, when I'm hurt, to make me smile, to heal the cuts that where made in my heart...your the only one that keeps me together...

So I leave this message for everyone to know...

Anata o ai shite imasu, tsuin shimai!

Messed up

How can everything become so messed up so fast? How can a simple word be twisted in such a way that it can make the other person hurt or cry, even though I'm so far away from them. Although they try to go on as if nothing was diferent I can feel that I've caused them pain. I wish I could take back all I've said, all I've caused them, but most of all I'd like to take back all the wrong I've done. But I know that it's impossible and all I can do is look back at the damage I've done and cry.

How do you fix what's already to screwed up to mend?

Written feelings...

Wherever I go, you’re with me. I think that just that notion keeps my sanity in its place.

Everything else seems vague, empty…I miss your embrace, your hand touching my face, your heat, your comfort and your words.

If you weren’t so far away things would be so much easier…but if you were closer, or I was, who would guarantee that everything would be well, that things would be as we thought they would be if I was closer. Who would guarantee that you wouldn’t leave me, that you would stand having me around all the time, that we would stand each other’s heat, each other’s voice, and what makes me yell even louder is this anxiety to see you, to feel each other’s body…who would give me that guarantee, who?

I don’t want to suffer anymore…I can’t stand another loss!! I think this time my “wall” will fall for good, the wall of my life, of my body…I think they’ll fall like dominos…one after the other, until the last piece…my heart.

Note: A friend of mine wrote this. It had such feeling, such truth that I had to post it here. It's not as well as the original since I had to translate it, but I tried to keep it just as she wrote it.

Why do I bother?

I'm tired. I'm so tired of all the crap I have to deal with when I get home. I'm tired of this personal Hell I arrive to everyweekend when it should be my personal Sanctuary. I'm tired of the all the words, the yells, the remarks, the orders, the blackmail, the tempers...

Oh, how I long for that moment, the moment I will stand up to him and speak my mind. So many things I wish to tell him, so many truths I wish to confront him with so he can shut up for good. All these things put into a simple and meaningless word: goodbye.

I've play the scene countless of times in my head yet they all come to the same end: Us yelling, me turning my back to him and walking out the door with that word ending it all, all my problem, all my worries, all my stress, all my sadness...That one word that will solve everything.

But until then all I can do is scream...

What now?

What happens now?

After my last nervous breakdown I feel like I have no purpose, like I'm wandering without destination, empty... hollow... Living through someone else's eyes a life that isn't mine. Living because I'm alive...

...I ceased to care for the things that should matter, paying attention only to the milde things around me. Perfering to solve other peoples problems in hope they would make me forget my own...

Why do I live if there is just nothing worth living for?

Nervous Breakdown

- I'm going for a walk. Open the door for me when I get back?
- Sure. Are you alright...?
I threw my pen upon the thousand of chemistry papers that layed scattered around the table and headed for the door. The question trailed back at me just as I was setting foot outside. I needed to leave, I needed to get away, I needed to be alone. It had come so suddenly, so unexpected. It was as if a hole had been burned into my chest, weighing me down in full force. Every breath came with dificulty, like an invisible pressure depriving my lungs of air. I walked slowly, knowing that they where watching me curiously from the window. Just as I rounded the bend and the house dissapeared behind the thick cement wall my feet took flight and I ran. I ran down the street and around the curb, along the jogging lane untill I could run no more. Yet the pain would not ease no matter how desperately I tried to hide from it. Instead it only bled more. It began to tighten, digging deeper into my chest untill the weight was to much. I collapsed in a nearby bench, gasping for air, trembeling in the cool afternoon breeze while my arms clutched my chest. So many emotions rushed through me. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, I wanted to talk, I wanted to think, but most of all I wanted the pain to go away. Time flew unconciously past me as I sat there, gazing at the setting sun that hid behind the surrounding plains. Suddenly footsteps echooed down the street. Glancing around I saw a face I knew all to well. He sat beside me, concerned but steady words replacing the silence.
- I've been looking all over for you. We were very worried. Why did you leave like that? Is everything alright?
- Everything's fine. I'm alright.
- Don't lie to a liar.
- Really, everythings alright. I just need some time alone, that's all.
- If everything was alright you wouldn't have run off the way you did. What's wrong?
- Nothing, honest.
I let out a small laugh but I could feel his worried stare fixed on my face. He wasn't going to let it go.
- I just need to get some air. That's all.
- Ok. Then lets go back home?
- Can't I stay for a little while longer?
- Not alone you're not.
I sighed and glanced at the sky. It had turned so dark so fast but I didn't want to go just yet.
- Are you going to tell me what happened? - He stubbornly presisted. -Is it about tomorrow's test? Problems at home? At school? Your room-mate again...?
Each word he spoke was like a knife to my chest untill I couldn't take it anymore. My hands flew to my face and tears streamed down my cheek, dragging all my stress along with it. Yet before, the pain was enduring but now it was unbearable. It came over me twice as strong, drowning me in its depths before I ever had time to react. An arm embraced me in support but remained in silence giving me a moment alone. I felt the weight slowly subside but there was still so much... I cried for what seemed like an eternity but soon it began to ease as if giving me some time to breath, to put things in order in my already cramped head.
- I better call the others. They're probably worried sick by now.
I heard him dial the numbers on his cell phone and I began to panic.
- No! - I pleaded - I don't want to worry them. They need to study for tomorrow... - yet he ignored me.
- Yeah. I've found her. We're on the jogging lane...
Sudenly I felt another wave overwhelm me and the tears came at full force. I wanted to scream, I wanted to hide. The arm tightened its hold around me as I sat there crying. After a while, through my sobs I heard two pairs of nearby footsteps. As I glanced up I saw two girls reach us, one of them carrying my jacket.
- 1st you are going to put this on! Do you want to catch a cold?- she tossed me the coat. - And 2nd: don't you ever leave like that without telling us - or at least take your phone, we were really worried...
Before she could continue I threw my self at her and cried like never before. The third wave of pain washed over me as she held me tight, whispering soft words of confort. I could her the others supporting her but I tuned them out, burring my face in her hair. Once again I felt the pressure ease and I sat back down, wiping my tear-stricken face.
- What wrong? Why are you crying?
- I don't know why I'm crying. I just am.
- No one cries without reason. - the other girl replaied
- Thats not intirely true. There are times when you're not sure what you're crying for, only that you need to. - amended the first one.
We stayed there for a while, each of them giving their opinions and trying to lighten the mood, adding a joke once in a while but soon the wind was so strong that we need to get back home. Yet I knew it wasn't over. I could still feel a small pressure against my chest and just as we where half way it drowned me again. My knees buckled and I sank to the floor, my face burried in my hands. The others kneeled down beside me and I heard their feeble attempts to talk to me but I ignored them. I just sank ever so deeper into my own darkness, into my grief. When I though I could endure no more it stopped. At last the pain eased and slowly dissapeared. I felt light and empty, weightless. Like I was awake but dreaming, there but not exactly. Unconciously I stood up and I felt a pair of hands guide me onward untill the house was finally in sight. Just as I passed the entrance door and stepped into the warm living room, where the chemistry papers still waited for me untouched, the last stray droplets of tears tumbled down my cheeks, erasing their sorrow passage along the way.

Misplaced

I sat quietly in my seat and gazed unconciously around. Sounds boomed around me, buzzing in laughter, anger, grief, joy... so many emotion echoed about that it was dificult to understand them all. Children yelled in happiness as they unrapped their new toy desperate to play with it, others watched the football game playing on the flatscreen, followed by supporting cheers to the home team when they were about to score. A huge crowd was gathered ahead, all waiting inpatiently in line to get their food, the smell of fries and burgeres filling the air. I had never seen so many people at McDonalds before. My friends stood in one of the many massive lines while I had been left to save a table. Yet as I sat there it didn't feel right, like I was misplaced, like I didn't belong among these people, like I was a stranger. I began to tune out the background sounds, the faces became no more then blurs as my mind raced through thousands of thoughts untill one stood out among all others...

Was I that different?

What should I do?

Has there ever been a time when you've felt utterly useless? Like you don't know what to do or say for fear of making the other person cry when you where trying to do the exact opposite...
Many times I find myself staring at them in pity as their pain slowly seeps into my own heart. Many times I've imagined myself giving them some sort of words of confort or just a hug, a simple gesture for them to know that I'm there for them. But in the end I do nothing, I feel useless.