1- Honors program. A few months ago I was accepted into the honors program of my college. Yes, I was extatic of being considered an honorable student with excellent grades until I final saw the dark beast beneath that curtain of fame. As of that day I've been piled neck high in homework that I don't even have time to scratch my ass! Its reaction papers and research papers and essays and the works, all the while having the professors hovering over you like an insistant fly: "You are our pride and joy! You are all extraordinary students and the future of this college! We expect nothing from the best of all of you and that you may prove to us that we made the right decision of accepting you into the program." No pressure, right?
2 - School. Apart from the previously mentioned headache of the overpiling homework, me and my sister are in the process of filling out transfer applications to other schools. That involves essays, fees, open house tours, repeated e-mails to the office of administration, financial-aid transfers, everything that makes a headache turn into a gigantic migrane.
3- Work. My boss is like another fly hovering over my other shoulder, always making sure that I don't screw up, that I get no shortages on my box, that I do everything just the way she taught me, that I arrive on time,... Don't get the wrong impression. I love the job I have and my boss is an great person, calm and understanding. Yet knowing that if the sh## hits the fan and I get any shortages they will be coming from my peycheck makes me constantly pass the days checking my change and supplies, making sure everything is perfect. After all, me and my sister are the only ones paying the bills. There can be NO error of any kind.
4- Family. The biggest beast in my closet. Apart from the usual stress of my mom's divorce and my bi###y landlady, I have recently come to aquire a new addition to this list. That bi###y landlady is kicking us out, literaly. We now have until the end of this month to leave. Not only do we have to find cheap house with at least two rooms but we also have to buy cheap furniture which agrees with both me and my sister since we will be sharing the same room. Yeah...thats never going to happen due to our diffrences in style. We always shared a room but it had always been my mom who bought the furniture (that's right people. I've always had the same furniture i had since i was 2.) Because all that stayed over seas we have to start completely from scratch. Worse part is I don't have enough credit score since I just started off about a year ago. Not forgetting that I've got to change my address all over again. Another added headcahe, having to wait in those long lines which are the highlight of Motor Vehicles. Plus, I still need to do my taxes. *sigh*
5- Drivers license. Speakeing of Motor vehicles, apparently I'm supposed to to preform some kind of miracle to spare some time between my job and my studies and find remanant of time to learn how to drive. To this idea I have to thank my cousin for his growing effort in pushing me into this ever growing nightmare.
6- My book. About a week ago I finally had the enlightment i was waiting for (ironic that it had to happen when i just started the semestre) and I finally finished the plot scheme. It is now perfectly flawless and just the way I envisioned it to be. Most of my thoughts are spent on diferent action ideas and humorous lines. The only problem is that there is no way I can manage to write it with all the other crap I have going on. I had planned to finish it before the end of this year but to my huge disappointment I don't think that will be able to happen. But this is one of my ambitions I will strive to accomplish no matter what.
Re-reading all I just wrote I don't even know how I've been able to keep track of all this in "that empty space between my ears" as my siter's boss would say. The stress has been so much I just don't know where to turn to, where to go or what to do. I have already begun doubting my major, my determination and my the course of my life. It feels like I'm just swimming against the tide and its about time i just let myself ride with it but even as I think about it, there's this one questioin that keeps sounding above all others, something a sociology professor once said to me:
"What is your determination? What makes you want to get up every morning and face this, otherwise, worthless life? What are you willing to fight so hard for as to go to the very point of facing the world?"
I keep thinking about it and the same answer comes to me every time:
I just want to live.
