I was never one to believe in such things like supernatural signs. Not that I was skeptical. I love the supernatural and the unknown but I'm also agnostic. Supernatural events have always been something that have lived within my alter universe, in that little world inside my head where everything and anything is possible.
Is is eerily frightening, however, to see that fantasy and cross with reality and it is for that reason I leave this post here today. I leave this message as a reminder to myself to pay heed to the spiritual warnings and not doubt what many shrug off and label as coincidence.
Here are the signs that I have come to witness the past few days:
1- When I started to doubt my biology major I had a bio class that same week in which the Professor was giving Darwin's theory on evolution as he sailed from coast to coast on the ship Beagle -- My favorite dog is a Beagle.
2- I was accepted into the Phi Theta Kappa honors society of my school and on the day of the initiation the president of the PTK sang the song "I hope you dance" by Lee Ann Wormack -- I have her song written on the back of my binder since the beginning of the semester for motivational purposes.
3- I had a customer (whose been with my boss's company for years) pass by my job to pick up his things and begin speaking to me with a Scottish accent-- My ultimate dream is to study and live abroad in Scotland.
4- For my graduate project I wanted to do a project in which I turn sweetwater fish into saltwater fish and study if the alteration was at a genetic level or merely a metabolism change -- not even a week after having this idea (and telling no one) my professor speaks about it in class.
Some may call it coincidence but for me ....
I beginning to believe that there may be more to it then that.
Many people say that cartoons are for kids. However, in reality, we are ALL kids in a way or another. So why not just enjoy a good movie when you see one? And how do you know its worth watching? It's when you get that stuck hiccup feeling in your throat, when your stomach clenches and your heart races, when your eyes start getting wet and the threat of a tear is about to fall, when you wish that the same commercial trailer could re-appear so you can see it once again and relive the "magic"...
THAT'S how you know the movie is a keeper.
Below are the trailer of the movies I plan on watching till the end of this year (two trailers for each movie):
Last time I cried this hard was when I had a nervous breakdown in January 2010. There's no point in my reckless crying for there's nothing I can do. It is something only time and patience can heal. And yet despite that knowledge I still feel like I've let myself down, that I didn't amount to anything. All this time slaving myself and for what? Did I really accomplish anything? Its just a minor set back, I keep repeating to myself and all the while I'm wondering how my mother will react to this. She sacrificed so much both physically and mentally for me and my sister to be the best that we can be. How am I going to look her in the eye now? I work hard and study harder, I swim against the tide and still it pulls me back, as if mocking me. Can I really be someone? Can I ever be somebody in this world? You're a strong woman. You'll get through this. I force this belief upon myself as I utter it over and over in soft whispers under my sheets, the tears flowing onto pillow in the dark room. I have faith in myself, and I believe in that strength. But can I really do it?
One more year, one more year...Its just a minor set back...
This is just another poem I had to write for my sociology class. Aparently my professor is a fan of poems and that is basically our homework in a nutshell: to write a poem on our understanding of the week's readings.
My sister really liked this one so I decided to leave it here too. So feel free to leave any comments or criticism.
Or So They Say
There is no problem, or so they say
As they turn a blind eye and simply walk away
Yet in the shadows they mutter and stare “Look at that wretched, why should we care?” They speak of injustice and how it’s unfair And all the while thieving what they should rightfully
share When many are those who slave by the hour They simply state, with faces sour “It’s because of their gender!” “It’s because of their race!” “It’s because of them we face the problems we face!” And so we realize, at the end of the day There is no problem, or so they say.
My sociology professor is a huge self-centered controversial hypocrite!
In each and every single one of his classes he always talks about his life and how he has a PhD and goes to Ghana every year because he's an important spokesman of the African institute and what not...
Don't get me wrong, that's all great! I'm glad he's helping out the community there. But he doesn't have to constantly talk about it. I'm paying to take a sociology class not an bibliography class!
He doesn't even let us say a single word as he constantly puts up a narcissistic monologue and then has some nerve to tell us at the end of class that participation is worth 60% of our grade! If he wants us to participate then have the decency to SHUT UP and LET us talk!!
Then when he actually lets us pitch in and say what we think about the matter he just shoots us down! let me demonstrate:
Today in class (The reason why I'm ticked off and writing this rant):
Prof: "I want you all to understand that having A's isn't everything. You have to have the knowledge to support that A -- "
Me: (Nod head in agreement)
Prof: " -- take me for example -- "
Me: (rolls eyes)
Prof: " -- true I have my PhD but in the end its just a piece of paper. What I need to ask myself is what I learned from it. One day, on a trip to Ghana with a student, a lady passed out on the plane because of her diabetes problem. She needed a nurse who could help her. There was this one man who got up and said he was a qualified nurse yet when he looked at the lady he didn't not what to do. My student on the other hand was taking a nursing degree and when he asked if he could help the flight attendant said that he wasn't a qualified nurse so she couldn't let him help. What I'm trying to tell you with this is that sometimes you may have a degree but it doesn't mean you've learned anything."
Me: (thinking to myself) not exactly... (raise my hand) "Well that doesn't mean anything. He probably knew what to do but just didn't have enough experience to do it."
Prof: "Experience is everything. If you don't have it then what was it all worth? Books won't teach you anything. You have to experience it to understand -- "
Me: he has a point but that's not entirely true... if that was the case then his PhD doesn't amount to anything because it won't prove he's smarter then any of us here.
Prof: " -- but then again you're young so you probably don't understand what I'm saying. And I don't want to argue with you because I don't want to show everyone that I'm always right, which is not always true."
Me: (jaw drops to the floor in anger and surprise) what the ...HELL?!
(...)
So you see. After that I didn't say anything at all until the end of class. Every time he opened his mouth he would say something that ticked me off even more. The worst is that since he is the professor I can't tell him anything or it's my grade on the line. Yet at the same time it's insane that he doesn't even listen to the anyone's opinion but his own because he's always right...That only demonstrates what typre of professor he is. Only two and a half more months of this bulls###...perfect...
For my Sociology class I had to write a poem about racial discrimination. I rarely write poems and I hate writing them too. I just don't have the touch for them, I guess. So I'll post it here to see what y'all think about it. Comments and criticism is appreciated.
We Fight
Born
to a land where freedom dwells
In
white shackles our lives are bound
They
talk of equality and claim clear sight
Yet
no man can cage what is freedom’s right
We
hear empty curses and hollow lies
And
bear ghostly grins with our chins held high
For
much we suffered through crimson gashes
To
keep the promise that relives in ashes
The
words have been spoken
To
those who can hear
To
those who choose to live above fear
Cut
the Line! For none are wiser
Of
color and nation, we’ll stand much higher
Yet
there they remain
Indifferent
and unaware
In
their blissful wonderland of fake pretend
We
will show them our scars and heed them warning
In
the Crisis we cry for our soul’s yearning.
Author's Note:
"Cut the line!" was a famous phrase said by W.E.B. DuBois when he was speaking of the "line" dividing white and black population in America.
"Crisis" was the journal of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) in 1910.
The other day I was cruzing through the internet when I found this Korean Manwha (Manhwa is similar to manga only you read it like a slideshow rather then a comic book, that is up-down rather then right-left/left-right).
Reading the summary (which I won't post here because I don't want to spoil it) it sounded pretty intersting so I started off but checking the first chapter to see if it was actually worth reading it all the way through. And boy was it ever!
I got so into the story that I read late into the night and woke up early the next morning just to continue. Every time I had to put it down to go to work I would spend the entire time thinking about the story and what was going to happen. I have to say I became such a fan that three days later I downloaded the entire manwha just to keep it in case it was ever to be deleted from the internet.
The Manwha is called "Noblesse" and its a web story, which means it is daily being updated on the net but has no hardcover/paperback copy. The drawings are beyond amazing and the color gives it a scarry sense of realism.
I recommend this story to anyone who loves intrigue, suspense, action, comedy and the supernatural. It will totally be worth your time.
As I roll over in my bed I gaze at the name blasting on my phone.With a loud sigh I pick it up and roll back over with the phone against my ear.
"Hello?"
"Hey sleepy head!"
"Hey..." I mumble back.
"Oh! Where you sleeping?" He asked all to innocently.
"Not anymore." Laughter boomed on the other end.
"Do you work today?" He asked.
"Yep."
"Do you want to come over later? We could go driving a bit. You haven't practiced in a while."
"Yeah, sure."
"You leave at the usual time, right?"
"Yep."
"OK. So I'll pick you up later. Go back to sleep."
"Can't anymore. I'm already awake." Laughter again.
"Call you later then."
Wasn't it my surprise when after work my cousin appears in his motorcycle carrying TWO helmets.
"I thought I was driving." I laughed as I pulled the helmet on.
"You will later." He smiled that all to innocent cheeky smile.
Once we arrived at his house we got in through the back door only to leave once again through the front door towards his car. I have to say I was pretty bad. I did loose my touch there for a bit. And I was pulled over by the cops for the first time because they thought I was driving strangely! Yeah, that's how bad it was.
So after that very humiliating display my cousin took me too his job and showed me around, explaining the ropes of camera business. Yet, I guess I was still nervous with the cop thing because we just ended up going to his place again. The drive there was... comforting. For the first time he opened up with me about his problems. I couldn't help but feel inwardly happy that he trusted me enough to the point of re-opening old wounds.
Once at his place accompanied by three other of our friends we just spent the rest of the night playing Rock Band 'till 2 in the morning. I tried the guitar, the drums and even singing! Me! The girl who never ever wants to be seen singing because I can hit "pitches only dogs can hear"!
It has been a long time since I had had so much fun that way. The drive home made me think about those times and how much I miss my over-seas friends. It hurt a bit but at the same time I felt really happy.
So I leave this post to thank one of the best Cousins I have, for everything he has done for me, and for just being the awesome guy he is...
I'm walking to work like every other day, my mind lost in thought gazing up at the sky when something far away catches my attention. It looked like a balloon but as I got nearer it became longer and bigger. Suddenly I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk as realization hit me. It was a Helium Plane! A real live helium plane! A cheeky smile spread across my face as I gazed in wonder at this magnificent vessel. I had never seen one before, just in movies and the such. So, like a fool, I stood there for several minutes just admiring it soaring through the afternoon sky.
It was only later that I was told that the aircraft was actually a United States Army autopilot aircraft doing a test round around my area.
But hey, everyone you wanna be
Probably started off like me
You may say that I'm a freak show (I don't care)
But hey, give it just a little time
I bet you're gonna change your mind
All of the dirt you've been throwing my way
It ain't so hard to take
That's right (that's right)
'Cos I know one day you'll be screaming my name
And I'll just look away
That's right (that's right)
Just go ahead and hate on me and run your mouth
So everyone can hear
Hit me with the worst you got and knock me down
Baby I don't care
Keep it up and soon enough you'll figure out
You wanna be, you wanna be
A loser like me
Push me up against the locker
And hey, all I do is shake it off
I'll get you back when I'm your boss
I'm not thinking 'bout you haters
'Cos hey, I could be a superstar
I'll see you when you wash my car
All of the dirt you've been throwing my way
It ain't so hard to take
That's right (that's right)
'Cos I know one day you'll be screaming my name
And I'll just look away
That's right (that's right)
Just go ahead and hate on me or run your mouth
So everyone can hear
Hit me with the worst you got and knock me down
Baby I don't care
Keep it up and soon enough you'll figure out
You wanna be, you wanna be
A loser like me
Hey you over there
Keep the "L" up, up in the air
Hey you over there
Keep the "L" up 'cos I don't care
You can throw your stick
And you can throw your stones
Like a rocket just watch me go
Yeah
L-O-S-E-R
I can only be who I are
Just go ahead and hate on me and run your mouth
So everyone can hear
Hit me with the worst you got and knock me down
Baby I don't care
Keep it up and soon enough you'll figure out
You wanna be, you wanna be
A loser like me
Just go ahead and hate on me and run your mouth
So everyone can hear
Hit me with the worst you got and knock me down
Baby I don't care
Keep it up and soon enough you'll figure out
You wanna be, you wanna be
A loser like me
"Scute over will you? I can't reach!"
"Stop pushing me!"
"Get your butt out of my face!"
"Ouch! My hand's already there!"
"Dude, back off! You're waaaay to close to my junk!"
"None of you better fart!"
First time I ever played Twister, but it was great!
Well, vacation aside, I was actually looking forward to going back to work and having something to do to keep my mind occupied.
However I was suprised when I arrive at the store and my boss comes up to me and huggs me!
"I missed you so much! Welcome back!"
I just laugh as she showes me around the new place, telling me were all the old stuff was kept and the whole chibang. However I was suprised yet again when I pick up the store phone.
"Hello. How may I help you?"
"Oh My God!! It's you! You're back! Thank god!" I hear my managers voice on the other end. That statement in itels was a miracle because me and my manager don't normally get along on a friendly-coworker basis. "Don't you ever leave us again you hear? We really missed you!"
This laugh came out hesitantly, seeing as I was torn between the idea that the comment was either geniune or sarcasticly ironic.
"You guys really missed me that much?"
Suddenly another voice shouts over the phone as my other co-worker, most probably, steals the phone from my manager.
"You show up and don't call saying you arrived! You expect us to guess!" I was about to hang up when I hear her. "Wait! Wait! By the way...Welcome back."
With a bulky backpack across my back I wandered my "homeland" country looking for all my friends. many were suprised to see me, other were left in a state of shock. My unexpected arrival, expecially during exame week, had thrown them completely off guard. However their upcoming plans soon began to pile up...
We spent some time in the arcades and the boling alley, had a blast trying to cook every night, played hours on end with our friend's pet rat, went to a botanical park and watched an army parade, visited a medieval castle, watched movies all night long, went gift shopping, played card games non-stop, had my first girls sleepover while playing disney trivia and nintendo ds mortal combat, had a concert with the gang, spent an entire afternoon playing wii and annoying another friend's gay cats, had my first real bowl of ramen noodles made with real spagetti and meat...
I wish I had stayed longer, but for all the time I had, it was totaly worth it.
I love you guys! No distance in the world will change that!
You're my friends for life.
Men have asked this question time and time again: "Why do women go to the bathroom together?"
So I've decided to leave this post with the top 5 reasons why. Read and enjoy.
1- They need someone to hold their stuff because there's never a hanger to hold them in the cubicles.
2- They need someone to hold the door because it never stays shut.
3- They need someone on the outside to pass them toilet paper because there's never any around in the stalls.
4- Since their friends are holding their things they need someone to pass them the sanitary products that's hidden in their bag every month.
5-Finaly, women never break a conversation, even to go to the bathroom. Gossip doesn't take potty breaks.
"Come on. I'll take you for a ride." My cousin told me, as he put turned on the motorcycle.
"N-no thanks." I stammered. "Motorcycles scare the sh#t out of me."
"Come on. It's a ton of fun." He said passing me the padded jacket and the black bulky helmet.
"You guys are insane!" I said sliding the helmet over my head. "The things you make me do..."
I hopped onto the back seat hugging him with all my strength.
"You know you could squeeze me but let me breath once in a while okay."
I laughed nervously as he took off slowly into the street. As the time passed I slowly began to get used to the rocking and the tilting and the slowly increasing speed. As we rolled onto the highway he hit the gas and we were soaring through the cars.
It was so relieving. All you thought of was that moment, that feeling, that sense of freedom... no worries, no stress, just you and the black pavement beneath you.
Its funny how words can suddenly remind us of how pathetic humans truly are. How the pain just eases into a sort of numbness that you feel but can't shake. It's a horrible feeling. And yet it feels right. That numbness around my heart reminds me of the truth that I tried to forget.
Middle of the fight between me and my sister:
"It's a good thing we're going." I yelled back. "That way everyone can see the way you've changed."
"Well, at least I have friends to go to."
It was long after she strode out the room and I was gazing at the blank wall in our room that it hit me. Deeply.
She was right. I had no friends. But all this time it never bothered me because she was the only friend I needed, the only friend I trusted.
Now she, too, was gone.
I didn't want to admit it. I didn't want to see. Now its clear before me.
I am truly alone.
And even though I may not have any friends, even though many people find me weird and strange, even after being called antisocial and a loner, even though I prefer my books over going out and I'm too shy to go up to talk to people, at least I know who I am.
And yet her words sting even at the memory of the event. The very person I used to call my friend, my sister, my other half...
Is this what it feels like to be empty?
For all the tears I shed that night and all the nights before... those were the last that'll fall for her.
One of my favorite classes this year has been, by far, my History Honors class. This is because my history professor isn't like those people you see on the history channel where they fill your head with dates and names in that boring obnoxious voice. No, this professor is a theoretical historian...in other words, he's a philosophic historian. He says that history isn't based on memorizing dates and names of people and times that are passed and long since dead. No, its looking back in time and understanding the why it happened and how it happened so we can apply some of its theories on future events. He claims that by understanding the past we can see where our future is headed.
See why I love this class? For an hour and a half every two days me and several other students sit in a circle and talk about all sorts of things, from politics to religion to economy... I think we about covered every topic out there. And the best part is that the professor isn't one of those opinionated people that you have to be careful what you say around. Quite the contrary. He wants us to speak our minds, he wants to know and learn from our different perspectives, he wants to take everything into account. Sometimes, if we keep refuting our idea he'll contradict it on purpose just to test our conviction of its reliability, even if he latter admits we were right. "Playing Devils Advocate" he says.
There is probably nothing that the man hasn't thought of. He has been teaching for almost 25 years, and he's never taught anything besides history. That means he must've heard all sorts of ideas and opinions and found ways to refute them all...or so I thought.
The other day we were reading the text "New essays on human understanding" by G.W. Leibniz in which the author was comparing mathematics to reason. My professor was agreeing with him and explaining what Leibniz meant by that statement. But for some reason it sounded odd to me. So when I raised my hand and was allowed to speak I voiced my doubts.
"I think that what he says is only half true. We're assuming that math is perfect. But can we affirm that the Pythagorean theorem is always right just because we did several exercises? Have we tested with all examples known to man? So we have to assume before hand that math is imperfect just as is reason. Therefore how can you base on imperfect thing on another imperfect thing?"
The professor gazed at me with his his mouth half open as if preparing to answer when all of a sudden his eyes grow round in surprise and his jaw drops an extra milometer. Then he tilts his head to the side and gazes at the ceiling in thought.
"Huh..." he sighs.
My classmates were looking at me in awe.
"You left the professor speechless...What have you done?" a girl teased.
"Can you repeat the question?" another guy asked. Probably trying to see if he could answer me before the professor did.
All I know is while I waited for my answer I couldn't help but hold back a smug smile. I had outsmarted the him. The guy who thought he knew and heard it all. Now he was the one who was going to go home with something to think about for a change.
As I sit in my room, lit only but the computers shining screen and the tears silently falling down my face, I desperately search for someone to talk to. Yet slowly, fearfully, the ugly truth dawns on me.
My life has been one chaotic mess after another. Therfeore, since my head is growing too small for my ever increasing problems, I decided to leave here a "mental list" of what they are, so I can keep track of the all the sh## I'm getting myself into.
1- Honors program. A few months ago I was accepted into the honors program of my college. Yes, I was extatic of being considered an honorable student with excellent grades until I final saw the dark beast beneath that curtain of fame. As of that day I've been piled neck high in homework that I don't even have time to scratch my ass! Its reaction papers and research papers and essays and the works, all the while having the professors hovering over you like an insistant fly: "You are our pride and joy! You are all extraordinary students and the future of this college! We expect nothing from the best of all of you and that you may prove to us that we made the right decision of accepting you into the program." No pressure, right?
2 - School. Apart from the previously mentioned headache of the overpiling homework, me and my sister are in the process of filling out transfer applications to other schools. That involves essays, fees, open house tours, repeated e-mails to the office of administration, financial-aid transfers, everything that makes a headache turn into a gigantic migrane.
3- Work. My boss is like another fly hovering over my other shoulder, always making sure that I don't screw up, that I get no shortages on my box, that I do everything just the way she taught me, that I arrive on time,... Don't get the wrong impression. I love the job I have and my boss is an great person, calm and understanding. Yet knowing that if the sh## hits the fan and I get any shortages they will be coming from my peycheck makes me constantly pass the days checking my change and supplies, making sure everything is perfect. After all, me and my sister are the only ones paying the bills. There can be NO error of any kind.
4- Family. The biggest beast in my closet. Apart from the usual stress of my mom's divorce and my bi###y landlady, I have recently come to aquire a new addition to this list. That bi###y landlady is kicking us out, literaly. We now have until the end of this month to leave. Not only do we have to find cheap house with at least two rooms but we also have to buy cheap furniture which agrees with both me and my sister since we will be sharing the same room. Yeah...thats never going to happen due to our diffrences in style. We always shared a room but it had always been my mom who bought the furniture (that's right people. I've always had the same furniture i had since i was 2.) Because all that stayed over seas we have to start completely from scratch. Worse part is I don't have enough credit score since I just started off about a year ago. Not forgetting that I've got to change my address all over again. Another added headcahe, having to wait in those long lines which are the highlight of Motor Vehicles. Plus, I still need to do my taxes. *sigh*
5- Drivers license. Speakeing of Motor vehicles, apparently I'm supposed to to preform some kind of miracle to spare some time between my job and my studies and find remanant of time to learn how to drive. To this idea I have to thank my cousin for his growing effort in pushing me into this ever growing nightmare.
6- My book. About a week ago I finally had the enlightment i was waiting for (ironic that it had to happen when i just started the semestre) and I finally finished the plot scheme. It is now perfectly flawless and just the way I envisioned it to be. Most of my thoughts are spent on diferent action ideas and humorous lines. The only problem is that there is no way I can manage to write it with all the other crap I have going on. I had planned to finish it before the end of this year but to my huge disappointment I don't think that will be able to happen. But this is one of my ambitions I will strive to accomplish no matter what.
Re-reading all I just wrote I don't even know how I've been able to keep track of all this in "that empty space between my ears" as my siter's boss would say. The stress has been so much I just don't know where to turn to, where to go or what to do. I have already begun doubting my major, my determination and my the course of my life. It feels like I'm just swimming against the tide and its about time i just let myself ride with it but even as I think about it, there's this one questioin that keeps sounding above all others, something a sociology professor once said to me:
"What is your determination? What makes you want to get up every morning and face this, otherwise, worthless life? What are you willing to fight so hard for as to go to the very point of facing the world?"
I keep thinking about it and the same answer comes to me every time:
I woke up with the moon's light shining on my face from between the blinders. I layed there, absently staring at the ceiling, my mind a turmoil of unfinshed thoughts. I don't know if it had been a dream I just had for it was long forgotten, however, whether it was a dream or nightmare I was still trembling form its unconcious effects. One thought above all was clear in my mind, the very first thing that rested imprinted in my head the moment my eyes flashed open and out of that mysterious reverie.
"What if I was to die, right here, at this moment?"
I was so sheaken by the thought, so frightened. I still had a few things to do before I left. I always imagined dying of old age, in a blissfull sleep. For a moment I paniced. I didn't want to go. Yet I let sleep over come me like the reapers own hand and gave into the darkness.
