And why do I feel this angry and hurt? Why do I find myself awake and crying and pissed at 1 in the morning?!
Because the one I used to consider my best friend is a self absorbed evil b#tch! Even after writing that down, I still don't feel relieved (just a bit guilty, GUILTY?!, because I hate calling people names)! I never thought it would come to this. Its the big things and the little things that get me pissed off SO bad:
- Me having to clean OUR room (with an injured back!) when you PROMISED you'd help me, but not once did you ever lift a finger or even care to keep it clean for more then a couple of days (even knowing how much it costs me to keep it clean!) because, and i quote: "It may look messy to you but I have an order. I don't want my room looking like a hotel room, like no one has never lived there".
- Using me in school to help you cheat and copy your way through homework and tests because you're too lazy and a huge "procrastinator" to do your own sh"t! Yet you still have the gaul to throw at my face how great your grades are and how they are much better than mine (even after all the effort I put into studying, weeks and weeks of studying and planning and you hitch hick off my efforts!)
- Trying to express my opinions and beliefs and you bad mouthing them and criticizing how I can believe in such crap because my opinion is different from yours! You're always lecturing me and yelling at me about whats right and whats wrong and how the world should be... but there is absolutely NO need for you to yell at me or make fun of me just because my opinions are different from yours. Your opinions are YOUR opinions and THAT doesn't always mean your right!
- Making fun of the people I hang out with and how your friends are much better (personality and company wise) then mine. Even though you may not like them, and even though I may have trouble dealing with some of them myself, doesn't mean that I don't consider them my friends. They are the closest thing to friends my sorry ass has managed to get in the last three years.
- For only looking at your own bellybutton, what you want and when its the right time for you without ever thinking how other people may feel or what they may say. You have no consideration for other people because to you, what you say or do is all that matters, just screw everyone else right?!
- When I go above and beyond to actually get you what you want, or the effort I put into making things right with you and you destroy that in less then hours, without even showing any sort of appreciation for what I've done, using your sarcasm and yellow smile which makes me so mad at myself and wondering why I even tried in the first place.
- Wherever I go, or whatever I do, I ALWAYS think about how you would like this or how you would have laughed at that, but you rarely (I'm not going to say never) think about me. You just think about how YOU'RE having fun and what YOU want to do next or how that looks nice on YOU! I feel like I'm just an add on to your plans, as if inviting me is just something your socially supposed to do and not because you want me to be there.
- Giving me presents as guilty bribes only to do the same crap not even minutes later! If your going to give me presents then don't give them to me as bribes to forget what you did, but because you meant it.
- Knowing that I like something and taking it from me because you "saw it first" or it looked so nice on me you wanted the SAME one! As if you haven't enough sh#t in your wardrobe! All my life I've only used T-shirts and black shirts because I wanted to be as different from you as possible, and wearing those clothes (which were the only things you didn't wear because it was to "dark" or "tomboy" for you, something you always reminded me and everone about), but now your taking even that away from me because all of a sudden you thought it looked cool. After so long, that style became my only identity keeping me apart from you, and now even that you're taking away from me!
- Pulling evil vendictive pranks on me because of your ovewhelming pride to get even, all because I told you things you didn't want to hear or I nagged you too much that you just ignore me as if I don't exist, just an annoying buzz around your head that you want to swat away. You never care how much those snotty remarks or pranks can hurt me: like banging the bedroom door at 1 in the morning while I'm fast asleep and scaring the living daylights out of me, all the while saying that it was MY fault you had to bang the door because I had closed it in the first place when I had my "pissy missy fit"! ARGH! I swear to all the gods in existance that it took all my strength and willpower to keep myself from punching you right across that sly smug face! (I took it out on my bed instead, sticking my head under my pillow screaming as I punched the bed over and over. I don't believe in hitting people to prove a point, but I was damn near close to dragging myself that low to tear that smirk off your face!)
But above all, the thing that angers me and hurts me the most is that you turned into such a self centered spoiled brat that even if I try to talk to you, nag at you, scream at you, cry to you, give you the silent treatment, you never listen to a word I say, as if it goes in one ear and out the other, like I'm not important to you, like I no longer exist in your world. You mock me and you insult me to make me leave or shut up, all the while not realizing that by doing so you've become no better then Him in my eyes. But I've had enough! Not only am I your sister but above all I'm a human being and I have feelings (even though I'm chronically shy that sometimes you can't see them)! I have a voice! And I deserve to be heard!
So here I am - now 2:30 in the morning - awake because of your stupid door slamming vendetta, unable to sleep because of the scare you gave me, WISHING that someone could hear me, see ME and not the superficial, bubbly, self centered, lying, mean sister I'm always compared to! Being a twin has its great moments, moments I will never forget, but it is the worst feeling in life: to be always compared to you, rated against you, picked apart by society so everyone can see that we are two different people even though we look the same. In the twin world there is only room for one person to shine and I'm tired of competing with you, whether it be grades, or friends, or looks, or personalities... So I'll just stand back in your shadow, like I always have, and watch while everyone says how you're much prettier, kinder, and smarter - I'll watch quietly and in your shadows I'll stay, because I don't mind. You were always the brightest of the both of us, you were made to stand out!, and I don't mind, I really don't mind. Just don't expect me to look up to you or praise you while you walk all over me without even having the decency of realizing that I was there, holding you up so you could shine.
I'm done waiting for you to open your eyes...
Funny, this reminds me of a dream I had...
8/1/13
I read... I care.. and you were NEVER anyone else but yourself for me...(and you should know that very well!)
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